Feeling the pressure...and other musings

This week we began the first trial of our 12 hour shifts. unfortunately, it happened that I was on a stretch of 8 days with one day off, and I ended the stretch in 3 consecutive 12 hour shifts, eek! As you can imagine I was pretty tired. I wasn't quite aware of how demanding my group of patients had been until Monday, but Monday came the pressure. I didn't stop. My patients who I love dearly just need so much right now. Not only do they have their physical needs, they have an emotional and spiritual need that in my own strength I cannot fulfill. I guess that's what I was trying to do , and let me tell you it didn't work! It can be so difficult here. We have one patient who I have looked after for some time now who to many of us, seems quite irate and angry all the time. he is 'demanding' and it can be hard to keep calm with him. Monday I was with him for a long time as he talked to me, and I just had to ask, 'What is it that you need from me, what can I do?' We prayed together for a long time. This man is 24, we have done surgery to his leg and arm for him, but he has had a stay in another hospital which has caused other wounds that we are now trying to treat. He has little education, few family, does not live locally, has no money, and is pretty much desperate. Since the war this is not an uncommon thing, however, his injuries mean that he is limited in what he can do for work, and as unemployment rate is 75-85% here. The outlook is bleak. This was a day when I came to breaking point, what am I doing, is it enough, I can't do everything, I am one person, and I am not superwoman (though I may like to think so!).

Yesterday I read Haggai, and that really spoke to me. In Haggai, it talks of how the peoples own lives were not being productive and fulfilling. God told the people through the prophet Haggai that they needed to rebuild God's temple because while they were busy with their own 'houses' God's house remained in ruin, and therefore things were being held back from them. I guess in my own life, I realised that I haven't been so careful to nurture God and my relationship with him in recent weeks, and in many ways, this is likely limiting how effective what I am doing and being could be. Don't get me wrong, everyone has good and bad days in life, and there will always be needs that can't all be met for my patients, but what I am spending some of my free time doing could be building me up and making me stronger for those tough times.

There was one little 'saving Grace' on that stressful day...Every now and again, I went to say hi to one of our precious boys aptly named 'Darling Boy' - he is an absolute treasure. He has long curled up eyelashes, and the deepest brown eyes. He is 6 and the most polite and gentle natured little boy. He is quite happy to just sit on your lap and be cuddled. He often runs back and forth to the water tap to fill up cups for those bed ridden, and has only ever once asked me for anything, and that was amidst the demands of Monday. 'Please get me a baaallooon' he asked coming right up to my ear as I gave him little snuggle. Well, after we skipped down the corridor together giggling all the way, a balloon he got. Entertainment for him and 4 other kids for the next 4 hours...
These are the things I try to remember to thank God for amidst everything else.